While I certainly don’t love everything about this poem — I forgive myself youth both as a writer and as a person, as I was 18 and had just begun writing — I still connect with the emotions I felt at the time, and feel the same yearning. At that time, I was scared about not being as good as I thought I was in the math/engineering side, and discovering the confusing possibility of influencing peoples’ lives with my creativity. Lisa2 (I had three significant girls named Lisa in my adolescence/young adulthood, and I refer to them in my head as Lisa1, Lisa2, and Lisa3), whose smile is referenced within the very prose-y poem, had read one of my earliest poems and asked to share it with someone who was going through something similar.
I knew I was about to embark on a scary adventure, leaving Carnegie Mellon University as an engineering student, and go figure out who I was with this whole poetry thing. It’s still relevant, though I no longer fear the adventure — I’ve re-established my technical chops, and since they’re not going away, I can augment my life with the creative. The tougher part is that in 1994, as a broken-down soul, I reached out and exchanged inspiration with others in desperation. In 2010, with more confidence, I’ve got to fight the temptation to go it alone. I still need the smile.
Smile
This is the new story of a new tomorrow, one which, were it to come and
be joyous, would be one carrying roses whose faint perfume causes one to
remember how he had loved and lost, but with a glimmer of hope apparent
only to those who see it in the dewdrops upon its petals; and one which
sees yesterday not as just one of a continuing saga of days, but as the new
beginning which will carry all of us mystically into the future; and one
whose present shows us all how hard it is to cope, but shows us what can
be attained should we strive, in that truly good, but difficult to follow
manner, and lets us know that everything will be alright.Ah, I caught her smile in flight, and it beamed a message of hope straight
through me, directly into my heart. That is where I find her beauty, in
her smile. It pervades my every being, and controls my heart and mind in
a way that no disdained seductress can. Where her smile leads, I will
follow, for it is my beacon in the darkness ahead.The change is impossible to suppress, yet as I lift my foot to step ahead, I
cannot pull it forward. Its weight is not the problem, it is the need
for some constancy. Like an old oak tree, I am firmly rooted.I must go, though. The road is stretching out in front of me, but I can only
see the tail lights of others, no one is returning from tomorrow.I am scared. I have no place to go, yet I cannot stay. The fight is not
worth the cause, and if I were to stay, I would surely die of an empty
heart, and an empty mind. I lie here shivering, but I know that I must move on.I am leaving. I do not want to venture forth alone. Please join me.
And don’t forget to smile!
2/23/94
Comments and criticism welcome.