As I prepare for the future, I’ve done a lot of looking at the past to find the parts of me to renew and the parts to leave behind or change.
Doing so with an open heart allows emotions from the past to flow back in, and while I’ve found many things to cherish, preserve, or revive, there are a select few which hang like dark, heavy clouds I’d left behind me.
The one feeling I don’t quite know how to overcome is powerlessness. I’ve had a few times in my life where I felt completely powerless and simply shut down, becoming a non-participant in my life. I’ve always minimized the notion of "I did the best I could" when told it from other people who seem to be making excuses, because I often feel like I’ve fallen short of the maximum possible. When I’ve wounded others, it’s often when I was most hurt or scared, and frankly, I just don’t want that in my life anymore. Baggage doesn’t help anyone, it just hides the wounds and prevents them from healing. I’m truly sorry for the pain I’ve caused, and that which I wasn’t able to heal, whether within myself or someone I loved.
I’ve made mistakes, and good intentions aren’t enough for the present and future, but when looking at the past, and taking mitigating circumstances into account, while I may have failed in some ways, I still recognize the goodness and capability within myself.
I’ve begun the process of forgiving myself for my biggest regrets, and taking steps to change the future in ways that I hope will help me grow past my weaker self. I have to quell some of the perfectionist self-criticism, know when I’ve given all that I reasonably have to give, and remember that as analytical as I can be, I am not a robot.
I’ve heard it said many times that "the only thing holding you back is you", and it’s time to leave behind some of the chains with which I’ve bound myself. I need to be free to feel without fear, be open about my limits, and to try to push beyond them. I can feel responsibility, and learn from my mistakes, but still free myself from shame.
I’ve got too much to do, too much to give, to define myself by my mistakes.