I’ve always been a night owl. Whether out and being social, working on a project, or simply passing time, I’ve always felt comfortable being up late into the evening. I’ve come to understand as well that I have a nagging feeling like I should be doing something, and that going to sleep somehow forces me to miss out on things.
Contrasting that notion, I find that when I’ve not gotten enough sleep, that I have poorer control of my emotions — I’m more easily frustrated or enraged. I don’t know how much of that is about the restorative powers of sleep on the brain itself, and how much it’s due to reduced insulin sensitivity because of the lack of sleep. I’m a type II diabetic, and my blood sugar control this summer has been much better than before — often waking up at 95mg/dl or so instead of the 230+ from a few years ago. I’ve felt like I’ve been thinking better, been more positive, smiled more, been more happy. I’ve seen it crawl up again, particularly after a minimal-sleep trip to Las Vegas and an offset body clock. It’s time to get back to the treadmill — exercise both has an immediate and a lingering lowering effect on my levels — but it’s hard to get on the treadmill and push myself when I haven’t slept.
Sleep needs to become a priority for me. Happiness starts in the bedroom.
I must say, I could eat healthy like this quite a bit!
I put a container (are those things pints?) of brussels sprouts, halved, and about a third of a head of cauliflower into a ziploc freezer bag, poured in a bit of olive oil and some freshly-ground pepper and sea salt, mixed it all up to get coated, and put it into a 400 degree preheated oven in a rectangular glass baking dish. About 15 minutes in, stir to cook evenly. After another 15 minutes (half-hour in), I did the same thing with the freezer bag and a large stalk of broccoli cut into pieces and grape tomatoes. I sprinkled it with a bit of dried basil just for the hell of it, too. After another 15 minutes I stirred again, and cooked it for another 15 minutes (an hour total cooking time). I plated it right out of the oven so it would melt the shredded Asiago I sprinkled on top.
Awesome awesomeness. Sheer awesome awesomeness, actually. Plus a bit more, FTW.
As I prepare for the future, I’ve done a lot of looking at the past to find the parts of me to renew and the parts to leave behind or change.
Doing so with an open heart allows emotions from the past to flow back in, and while I’ve found many things to cherish, preserve, or revive, there are a select few which hang like dark, heavy clouds I’d left behind me.
The one feeling I don’t quite know how to overcome is powerlessness. I’ve had a few times in my life where I felt completely powerless and simply shut down, becoming a non-participant in my life. I’ve always minimized the notion of "I did the best I could" when told it from other people who seem to be making excuses, because I often feel like I’ve fallen short of the maximum possible. When I’ve wounded others, it’s often when I was most hurt or scared, and frankly, I just don’t want that in my life anymore. Baggage doesn’t help anyone, it just hides the wounds and prevents them from healing. I’m truly sorry for the pain I’ve caused, and that which I wasn’t able to heal, whether within myself or someone I loved.
I’ve made mistakes, and good intentions aren’t enough for the present and future, but when looking at the past, and taking mitigating circumstances into account, while I may have failed in some ways, I still recognize the goodness and capability within myself.
I’ve begun the process of forgiving myself for my biggest regrets, and taking steps to change the future in ways that I hope will help me grow past my weaker self. I have to quell some of the perfectionist self-criticism, know when I’ve given all that I reasonably have to give, and remember that as analytical as I can be, I am not a robot.
I’ve heard it said many times that "the only thing holding you back is you", and it’s time to leave behind some of the chains with which I’ve bound myself. I need to be free to feel without fear, be open about my limits, and to try to push beyond them. I can feel responsibility, and learn from my mistakes, but still free myself from shame.
I’ve got too much to do, too much to give, to define myself by my mistakes.